Too old too soon too smart too late

I had one of those days yesterday that I know I'm going to look back on when I am older and feel so nostalgic. I'm posting it in here because I want to be able to remember how I felt in this moment. So full of life, laughter, and a heavy shining light radiating from my soul.

First off I actually know what it feels like to be in love. It's my first time being in love with someone. That someone would be my roommate/best friend, Raeanna. 

The adventures and memories we have together I hold near and dear to my heart.

My morning was filled with good food, coffee, and conversation with a good friend Ilya. He offers me growth, new ideas, a beautiful friendship, and laughter. 

After that I got to spend time at a coffee shop drinking a delicious mocha with a cupcake to go along. I found new music, read, and got to write. It was "me" time and I always value that time. 

Then Rae and I decided to dress up in our funkiest clothes, do our hair, and to basically have our appearance match how we always feel inside.

This was the result. Cute, huh?

Before leaving the house we thought it would be a great idea to get high and go take some fun pictures. We were driving around laughing, talking about how much we don't want kids, or to lose our youth.

  

Then our high selves thought: "LETS GO GET PIERCINGS TOGETHER" and we did just that. 

I got my septum and Rae got her nipple pierced. We clearly make the best decisions. 

  

I think getting these piercings on a day where we are feeling so alive was such a good idea- just another reason to always remember this day. 

Then we headed to our friend Lesley's house who Rae and I are obsessed with. She is darling, beautiful, and such a neat person. We decided to have dinner and martinis so we headed to the grocery store.

While roaming the isle in my funky attire looking for olives for our dirty martinis I had to older ladies walk past me. She goes "I LOVE YOUR SHOES" then looks up and sees my dread buns and septum and tells me she loves my funky style and live spirit. This added to my already lovely day. Showing generational gaps don't always need to be a thing. These ladies loved Rae and I. Usually older people seem to be judging me and this made my day so much better. They told me they know from personally experience that your youth goes fast and to really embrace these days with full force. Her quote for me was" too old too soon too smart too late".

Then we get home and we drank WAY to many dirty martinis and Lesley made us this magical Thai, vegetarian curry. It was such a treat. We all, including her boyfriend ryan, sat around- showed eachother cool music, music videos, talked about sex, life, feminism, traveling, and all the best topics.

 Eventually it was just the girls talking and drinking way to many margaritas in margaritaville. We got on the topic of our bodies and how we should love them. We even made a drunken promise to do a nude photoshoot together. A DAY FOR THE BOOKS (or in my case: the blog) 

Enjoying the good days

I am having one of those days where everything is what it is and I am content with it. I am happy. Enjoying good conversation with wonderful people. A day where I am enjoying what it is to be a human. I have a beam of light shine though me today. Every thing in this day is making me happy. A song I've heard a thousand times is bringing me feelings of energy and excitement. A stranger in the car next time glances at me with a smile. I am having one of those days where I am a live and beaming. My coffee taste like the best cup I have ever had. I want to be interacting and loving. I am thankful for my beautiful days as a human, and how weird life is. I am thankful for the relationships that I have. To be able to interact with so many different characters in life, to be able to feel, see, and hear, to be able to walk, smell the fresh air, to be able to think and have good thoughts. I hope that everyone who has these days appreciate them. I know that I surely am. I think that when it comes to life, humans and relationships that it is messy- but that is what makes life worth it. The unknown, the trust and faith you have to have in it all.

Why are we here? Who really knows.  When will you die? It could be tomorrow or in 50 years. The point is to know that nothing is permanent. Its scary, but beautiful. You are not perfect, nor is anyone. Be okay with making mistakes, be okay with taking risk, and be okay with being uncomfortable. This is where growth comes from. It is so easy to allow yourself to be sad and to feel negative and alone. Your mind can be a dangerous thing. But when you think of the bigger picture it makes certain things seem so small.

Not everyone you meet in life is going to love you, agree with you, and share in all of your opinions.We are all different, that is what makes relalthionships so healthy and important. Surround yourself with those who allow and accept you to grow, be around people who challenge and push you. Do not limit yourself in any way. You are better than that. Someone doesn't like you? Good that just means you are alive and radiating and truly being you.

You may not always be doing what you want to be doing. Going to school, studying, and working- it can be draining. It is probably not how you wish to spend your time. Change your view on it. Look at it like you are LUCKY enough to have a  job, you are lucky enough to be able to get an education and further yourself. Every moment is important whether you view it as good or bad. That is life. Learn to find the simple joys in your day- be present with it all. I am not perfect. I have really bad days- where I feel like I am stuck in a lull. Its important to have these days though. They make the good so much better.

I love that we have the opportunity to meet people in this- to be able to connect and communicate. To know how to feels to love someone, how it feels to miss someone. These are incredible things. We are emotional beings and that is fine. Think of yourself as fortunate for having a pulse and being who you are. Things may not make sense at times but its all going to end up to be what it will be- so there is not point in trying to control everything. You cannot do it, its not possible. So instead absorb yourself in the unknown, in the scary feelings and thoughts. Just live.

I hope there are days where you fall in love with being alive

This is just a post of some of the pictures I've been taking lately. I could classify myself as an artsy, alternative person. I don't have many artistic talents, I mean I embroider and use to do ceramics and sculptures but nothing incredible. I think photography might be my art. I have a good eye for the grungy style photos. I definitely want to invest in a good camera and do photography on the side.

These are some of the shots I've taken recently : 

Kaitlyn and I frolicking in the snow- 

My best friend heather in I spending a beautiful Saturday afternoon in a small town- 

" The one where I love my coffee" 

" The one where Judy scared me " 

" The one where you don't look back" 

" The one where you don't think too much" 

" The one where I didn't fake laugh" 

" The one with the red box" 

" The one where I realize I AM beautiful" 

" The one where life is simple"

" The one where my dreads do a little dance" 

" The one where you bust- a -move" 

" The one where I see you slipping through the cracks" 

" The one where the universe is kind to me" 

" The one where I wish I was still a care free child " 

" The one with the blurry picture" 

Pictures of Rae and I in Milwaukee! We went to see the nick offerman show (Rob Swanson from my favorite tv show: parks and recreation) HE WAS HILARIOUS!

Clair is my heart and soul and with her I am who I always want to be : 

Downtown Green Bay with Abby: 

Funks

" and I'm sad again"

I like that quote because of the accuracy behind it. I have the type of personality where I have really high highs and really low lows. I find myself in funks from time to time, as we all do. I have been in one of the longest funks I have ever been in, and it inspired me to write about this. No one likes that feeling of being both happy and sad, not being able to do anything about.

It's like you want to participate, you want to be happy and laughing, but you just cant. You cannot seem to snap out of it. I imagine this is a little taste of what depression feels like, and I have sympathy for those who deal with this.

During my funks there will be good days, days where you think you are better or happy again, but then the sadness wave hits you again and again.  I feel everything at once. Its like every problem and negative thought I have is weighing heavy on my mind. I cant shake it- I am thinking these compulsive thoughts over and over again.

I have come to realize that this is natural. We unfortunately cannot always be in the perfect mood, have a big adventure, traveling to a dream destination, or in good spirits 24/7. This is called being a human. Its normal. We need to accept the emotions we have and then move on- don't be limited by the bad times. Appreciate how human we are and that we are able to feel so much. Like with everything- with time it will change.

Letter to my future self

Letter To My Future Self

“We do not “come into” this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree.” – Alan Watts.

Dear Victoria,

" Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude".

In this letter to you, Victoria, the thing I want to get across the most is about life. It is so short, fragile, beautiful, lovely, scary, and an ongoing adventure. It is so important not to take this time you have here on this beautiful earth for granted.

It is important to remember that you are alive, you are happy. Life is always going to have its ups and down but NEVER lose your fire, light, and free- spiritedness.


travel:
 Travel is such a huge part of my life and I think it always will be.Make sure you never stop exploring no matter how mad dad says he is at you!

" I urge you to travel, as far and as much as possible. Work ridiculous shifts to save your money. Go without the latest iPhone. Throw yourself out of your comfort zone. Find out how other people live and realize that the world is a much bigger place than the town you live in; and when you come home, home may still be the same, & yes, you may go back to the same job , but something in your mind will will have shifted- and trust me, that changes everything."


TRAVEL IS A GODDAMN DREAM AND YOU SHOULD NOT MISS OUT ON IT. You have not yet in life regretted one of your travel adventures. So do not feel bad for the lust you have to see the world and meet new people and be immersed in new culture and surroundings. The reason you are such a free spirit and alive and aware is because of your travels. Not everyone in your life is going to approve of how you are living and what your priorities are and you have to learn to be accept that because that will never change.




life:
10 years from now make sure that you can say that you choose your life- you didn't settle for it. 


These passages were written on April 7 2016 while we were in Milwaukee living in a good damn good moment in the cutest collectivo coffee shop of my damn life. 

Victoria:
YO! Life is a beautiful fucking crazy time! do NOT waste it on dumb shit and dumb people. Say whatever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want. Realize that not every moment is going to be a high but every moment was meant to happen and apart of the moment. You only get this one life - that's it. I think that is kind of crazy. You were gifted with this time on this beautiful life-supporting earth with other talented and crazy, wild humans. Appreciate it- appreciate them. Do not hang on to someone or something that makes you sad; because that's crazy. You ARE worth more than that.

Rae: This chai is very good. Well, i don't really know what to say. Your goal is a better future- it IS ok to reminisce about the past. FUCK THE HATERS. Also, ALWAYS ALWAYS TRY ANAL WITH A NEW SEXUAL PARTNER. ( P.S Raeanna did not say that last part) 
 ( P.s.s: This is Victoria - Yes, Yes she did say that. She loves anal) 


Karla: 
When you are in a realtionship or if someone is trying to sell you something just say no. Do not buy and do not give up yourself. Where good shoes. So your veins dont opo at age 40!  YOU WANT NICE LEGS ALL YOUR LIFE.Take care of your teeth because that affects your health and your image. Beware of the advie that you get from the world because it is advice that makes you feel good but it is not reality. Take belly dancing classes so that you and your husband can dance together horizaontally in the bedroom ( or in the car, kitchen table, or whereever you feel it ;) ) There is a big difference bewtten giving someone advice and lecturing them. It is a fine line. New skin is wonderful to take care of your skin and keep it healthy.


  I did a little project where I asked people in life advice they would give to their future self or their future self. Here are the results:

- Emily Austreng: "Don't dwell on the opinions that others have of you" 

-Elisebeth Rodriguez: " It will all work out fine. Just breathe and keep going." 

-Lele Marie: "Let go of the anger, laugh more, dance more, learn to live and think positively, and that people like to hear what's going on in my mind.. It's funny." 

-Dana Daul: " To feel happiness, always, even when some days you have to dig so deep to find it. Adding to that too..to choose your battles, because 95% of the time what you exert negative energy towards isn't worth it. Life is literally all perspective. Keep your sunshinyness " 

-Jessica Ann: "Be true to yourself--don't allow the negativity in the world sway you from being who you want to be or doing what you want to do. Be you. Hold onto your values, your beliefs, and believe in there is good in the world."

-Carli Smits: " Keep on keepin, even if you no you're different, that's okay. Learn not to rely on others even if they rely on you."

-Carole Fitzgerald: " Wherever you go, whatever you do, do it with all your heart.

Live fully with each moment.
Let the beauty within you shine !" 

-Pamela Campbell: "Frequently count your blessings and you will be grateful for exactly who and where you are."

-Arianna Grant: "It's good to be independent and you should start as soon as you can. Wish I heard that sooner." 

-Becca Urban: "Don't rush through life to get where you want to be. Take the time to enjoy the experiences you have along the way." 

-Emma Vitella: " Forgive and let go so you can enjoy pure happiness and your soul is free of negativity."

-Sal Blando: "Try to enjoy every moment. Slow down and think about all the amazing things you're doing, and the amazing people in your life. Life goes too fast. Enjoy every second!"

- Kurt Nimmer: "Have fun!"

-Andrea Bierke: " Everything you experience has a reason and a purpose, the good stuff and the really bad stuff. Always be loving and kind, even when you don't have the energy for it and never expect anything in return. Family is important but the family you create for yourself is the greatest treasure in the world."

-Rachel Qunitas" WOW THIS IS AWESOME!!! I have so much advice for not only my old self, but for the world..I'll try and make this short!!: let life happen TO you, don't try and control her. It feels much better to live day by day and indulge in the extraordinary presentt of Life! To enjoy the small things, but realize they are the best things of living life...watching the sunrise, feeling a warm summer breeze, laughing with friends. Dream BIG!!! And don't let people tell you that you can't be this, and can't do that because you out of everyone knows that you can. Be easy on yourself, but easier on others...were all first timers at this crazy life so we're gonna mess up, laugh it off ((: TRAVEL FAR! Be weird and don't take life too seriously. Also, understand that we have a choice in life...not in what happens to us, but how we react. Hard times will come, but we have the choice to choose happiness and to learn beautiful lessons from those hardships. Free yourself from the constrains of the egoic mind and run with the wind. Lastly, live for YOU and the world at large...this is your incredible individual journey so make it a beautiful one!! But, also care about your human family, have compassion and leave this world brighter than you found it." 

-Niccolo Padalino: " Don't get that credit card and don't mix ever clear with Hawaiian punch. That's why you don't remember most of senior year idiot."

-Bradley Stukey: " Listen to your mother and father." 

-Heather Schroeder: "Do not your take family for granted. And most definitely do not stay mad at them. Be understanding, caring and kind. Let them know when they are doing something to upset you, but in the end always remind them how much you love them."

-Colleen Mcshane: "Don't give up on your dreams, even if all seems lost, if you want it, you can achieve it"

- Judy Bondarowicz: "Never go to bed mad! Life is too short never know when you won't get a chance to say sorry."

- Amanda Abegglen: " You aren't that smart (applies to past and future self)" 

- Mary Gillespie: "  Take more risks, trust God more!"

- Sue Cole: " Take care of yourself when you re young. Old age is tough with bad knees and a potbelly."

- Leon Johnson: " Watch where your going, remember where you've been, not matter where you go- that's where you are, and keep on smiling"

Questions to compare to my view now and when I stubble upon this in the future:


Current thoughts on religion?

That you should explore your options. I grew up forced to be a christian- and I hated it and the church so I became atheist. Then I realized through books and meditation that i believe in the universe and spitrualness. I would still hate on religions, but then I met a friend- Ilya. Who is a die hard christian. I did not write him off. Instead I choose to practise what I preach about being non judgmental and open minded so I went to bible study with him, I am reading a christian book : Mere Christianity" while we reads it to compare. I like being open minded and exploring the different options. I would still say that I am spiritual and believe in mindfulness and being in the present. Christianity does have its good points in life. 

Current thoughts on politics?

 THIS FIRST ELECTION I GET TO VOTE FOR IS SUCH A CRAZY FIRST VOTING EXPERIENCE. Rae: " It feels like this whole election and presidential candidates is just a bad SNL skit" I could not agree more with that. Donald Trump is crazy and Hillary Clinton is a psycho! Bernie is good - but I do not think America can afford him . He is who I am voting for though. He is what I stand for. Being in a Poly Sci class right now is so helpful in educating me in the current up to date politics so that I am informed. 



Feelings for my family?

They are crazy. I love them to death but we are just on different paths right now- but that is okay. Someone once told me; " you may not be able to stand your family, and they drive you insane and you may not like them right now. but they are family and the only one you have. Love them unconditionally even with their flaws. As they do for you." I love my family and I am grateful for their love and goofiness. I was honored with a good family. Even the family I picked myself- my friends. I have such a wonderful community of Friends in my life. 



Current likes and dislikes?

Like: good, intellectual conversations that are deep and about life, cute coffee shops, walks thought the woods, kayaking, taking artsy pictures with my friends, laughing, getting high, traveling the world, and being spontaneous.

Dislikes: one-way street friends, society's influence on my body, over thinking, lazy coworkers, bad energy, and Donald Trump.  



Where I am in my life and where I hope to be in the future?
I am currently a college student, working at hagemiesters as a server, and working at starbucks as your local barista. 

Places I want to see?
I want to see everything and everywhere. On the top of my lit currently is Asia, specifically thailand- vietnam area, New Zealand, and Brazil! 



Habits I have formed?

Taking care of my body: eating healthy sustainable food, blogging, journaling, walking through bairds creek, smking cigs, reading a ton, cutting back on netflix, having conversations,and  trying to use less plastic. 


Habits I want to change?

smoking cigareets, being to hard on myself about my body, letting people walk all over me, and hanging on to toxic people and things. 


The type of person I want myself to become?


Where I want to live?
Right now my future plan would be to live in Portland, Oregon.


Overall: Life is weird and we are fortunate enough to be living in these human shells, having relationships, and experiences! We get to love, travel the world, feel too much, spend our days happy and smiling. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

I'm not entirely sure ?

I'm having one of those moments where I'm not entirely sure what I am feeling or thinking. It's everything at once and nothing at all. I have these moments often- they come and they go. It's usually triggered after a busy few days and then I finally relax and watch a movie that is emotion felt or listen to a certain song. Then my mind is flooded. I feel like I know nothing. I'm ok with it, and then I'm scared. I think about life and the people in mine. How everyone around me is living and moving and progressing. People all over the world are feeling so many different things. Passion, heartbreak, anxiety, depression, suidical thoughts, love for the first time. It's all so beautiful. 

I think of my life and how it's all been going on in a blink of an eye. Idon't want to move to quickly yet I want to sprint full speed ahead. Why is that? I have a desire to live and breath life with every ounce of growth, energy and feeling  i have. It's like I know my life has a limit, an expiration date. What does it all mean? Will tomrrow I be thinking the same thoughts?

So many thoughts race through my mind in one day even in one hour. Do I feel too much? Or not enough? One moment I visualize what it would be like to be held  in a new friends arms and kissed by them for the very first time, then my mind flashes to the time i saw my brother laugh until he cried all because we was satisfied with the little bit of love and joy he had in this life, next I see myself as an old woman, worn with life experience and at my end of my journey. I can never tell in these visualization if i am happy or sad.

Do I want too much? Am I expecting to see and do too much. Is that even possible? The sky's the limit, right? 

When I get in these almost sad moments where it is almost like I can see myself and the moments in my life  like a movie. Like I'm sprinting full speed down a cobble stone road- just a full on sprint with so many thoughts passing through my mind. Where am I running? I do not know.Where will life take me? I do not know. All I know is that as  i am running down that road- that is all there is. My and this road- with the wind in my hair and these moments of pure magic, such a human experience, I know that I am thankful for all I am able to feel. Maybe that is away to look at my sadness and confusion and over thinking. I have the honor to be so humbly human. To be able to feel too much and laugh too hard, to be able to hold the hand of a loved one, or see a stranger crack a smile. I have the honor of being. Being alive.