Letter to my future self

Letter To My Future Self

“We do not “come into” this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree.” – Alan Watts.

Dear Victoria,

" Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude".

In this letter to you, Victoria, the thing I want to get across the most is about life. It is so short, fragile, beautiful, lovely, scary, and an ongoing adventure. It is so important not to take this time you have here on this beautiful earth for granted.

It is important to remember that you are alive, you are happy. Life is always going to have its ups and down but NEVER lose your fire, light, and free- spiritedness.


travel:
 Travel is such a huge part of my life and I think it always will be.Make sure you never stop exploring no matter how mad dad says he is at you!

" I urge you to travel, as far and as much as possible. Work ridiculous shifts to save your money. Go without the latest iPhone. Throw yourself out of your comfort zone. Find out how other people live and realize that the world is a much bigger place than the town you live in; and when you come home, home may still be the same, & yes, you may go back to the same job , but something in your mind will will have shifted- and trust me, that changes everything."


TRAVEL IS A GODDAMN DREAM AND YOU SHOULD NOT MISS OUT ON IT. You have not yet in life regretted one of your travel adventures. So do not feel bad for the lust you have to see the world and meet new people and be immersed in new culture and surroundings. The reason you are such a free spirit and alive and aware is because of your travels. Not everyone in your life is going to approve of how you are living and what your priorities are and you have to learn to be accept that because that will never change.




life:
10 years from now make sure that you can say that you choose your life- you didn't settle for it. 


These passages were written on April 7 2016 while we were in Milwaukee living in a good damn good moment in the cutest collectivo coffee shop of my damn life. 

Victoria:
YO! Life is a beautiful fucking crazy time! do NOT waste it on dumb shit and dumb people. Say whatever the fuck you want and do whatever the fuck you want. Realize that not every moment is going to be a high but every moment was meant to happen and apart of the moment. You only get this one life - that's it. I think that is kind of crazy. You were gifted with this time on this beautiful life-supporting earth with other talented and crazy, wild humans. Appreciate it- appreciate them. Do not hang on to someone or something that makes you sad; because that's crazy. You ARE worth more than that.

Rae: This chai is very good. Well, i don't really know what to say. Your goal is a better future- it IS ok to reminisce about the past. FUCK THE HATERS. Also, ALWAYS ALWAYS TRY ANAL WITH A NEW SEXUAL PARTNER. ( P.S Raeanna did not say that last part) 
 ( P.s.s: This is Victoria - Yes, Yes she did say that. She loves anal) 


Karla: 
When you are in a realtionship or if someone is trying to sell you something just say no. Do not buy and do not give up yourself. Where good shoes. So your veins dont opo at age 40!  YOU WANT NICE LEGS ALL YOUR LIFE.Take care of your teeth because that affects your health and your image. Beware of the advie that you get from the world because it is advice that makes you feel good but it is not reality. Take belly dancing classes so that you and your husband can dance together horizaontally in the bedroom ( or in the car, kitchen table, or whereever you feel it ;) ) There is a big difference bewtten giving someone advice and lecturing them. It is a fine line. New skin is wonderful to take care of your skin and keep it healthy.


  I did a little project where I asked people in life advice they would give to their future self or their future self. Here are the results:

- Emily Austreng: "Don't dwell on the opinions that others have of you" 

-Elisebeth Rodriguez: " It will all work out fine. Just breathe and keep going." 

-Lele Marie: "Let go of the anger, laugh more, dance more, learn to live and think positively, and that people like to hear what's going on in my mind.. It's funny." 

-Dana Daul: " To feel happiness, always, even when some days you have to dig so deep to find it. Adding to that too..to choose your battles, because 95% of the time what you exert negative energy towards isn't worth it. Life is literally all perspective. Keep your sunshinyness " 

-Jessica Ann: "Be true to yourself--don't allow the negativity in the world sway you from being who you want to be or doing what you want to do. Be you. Hold onto your values, your beliefs, and believe in there is good in the world."

-Carli Smits: " Keep on keepin, even if you no you're different, that's okay. Learn not to rely on others even if they rely on you."

-Carole Fitzgerald: " Wherever you go, whatever you do, do it with all your heart.

Live fully with each moment.
Let the beauty within you shine !" 

-Pamela Campbell: "Frequently count your blessings and you will be grateful for exactly who and where you are."

-Arianna Grant: "It's good to be independent and you should start as soon as you can. Wish I heard that sooner." 

-Becca Urban: "Don't rush through life to get where you want to be. Take the time to enjoy the experiences you have along the way." 

-Emma Vitella: " Forgive and let go so you can enjoy pure happiness and your soul is free of negativity."

-Sal Blando: "Try to enjoy every moment. Slow down and think about all the amazing things you're doing, and the amazing people in your life. Life goes too fast. Enjoy every second!"

- Kurt Nimmer: "Have fun!"

-Andrea Bierke: " Everything you experience has a reason and a purpose, the good stuff and the really bad stuff. Always be loving and kind, even when you don't have the energy for it and never expect anything in return. Family is important but the family you create for yourself is the greatest treasure in the world."

-Rachel Qunitas" WOW THIS IS AWESOME!!! I have so much advice for not only my old self, but for the world..I'll try and make this short!!: let life happen TO you, don't try and control her. It feels much better to live day by day and indulge in the extraordinary presentt of Life! To enjoy the small things, but realize they are the best things of living life...watching the sunrise, feeling a warm summer breeze, laughing with friends. Dream BIG!!! And don't let people tell you that you can't be this, and can't do that because you out of everyone knows that you can. Be easy on yourself, but easier on others...were all first timers at this crazy life so we're gonna mess up, laugh it off ((: TRAVEL FAR! Be weird and don't take life too seriously. Also, understand that we have a choice in life...not in what happens to us, but how we react. Hard times will come, but we have the choice to choose happiness and to learn beautiful lessons from those hardships. Free yourself from the constrains of the egoic mind and run with the wind. Lastly, live for YOU and the world at large...this is your incredible individual journey so make it a beautiful one!! But, also care about your human family, have compassion and leave this world brighter than you found it." 

-Niccolo Padalino: " Don't get that credit card and don't mix ever clear with Hawaiian punch. That's why you don't remember most of senior year idiot."

-Bradley Stukey: " Listen to your mother and father." 

-Heather Schroeder: "Do not your take family for granted. And most definitely do not stay mad at them. Be understanding, caring and kind. Let them know when they are doing something to upset you, but in the end always remind them how much you love them."

-Colleen Mcshane: "Don't give up on your dreams, even if all seems lost, if you want it, you can achieve it"

- Judy Bondarowicz: "Never go to bed mad! Life is too short never know when you won't get a chance to say sorry."

- Amanda Abegglen: " You aren't that smart (applies to past and future self)" 

- Mary Gillespie: "  Take more risks, trust God more!"

- Sue Cole: " Take care of yourself when you re young. Old age is tough with bad knees and a potbelly."

- Leon Johnson: " Watch where your going, remember where you've been, not matter where you go- that's where you are, and keep on smiling"

Questions to compare to my view now and when I stubble upon this in the future:


Current thoughts on religion?

That you should explore your options. I grew up forced to be a christian- and I hated it and the church so I became atheist. Then I realized through books and meditation that i believe in the universe and spitrualness. I would still hate on religions, but then I met a friend- Ilya. Who is a die hard christian. I did not write him off. Instead I choose to practise what I preach about being non judgmental and open minded so I went to bible study with him, I am reading a christian book : Mere Christianity" while we reads it to compare. I like being open minded and exploring the different options. I would still say that I am spiritual and believe in mindfulness and being in the present. Christianity does have its good points in life. 

Current thoughts on politics?

 THIS FIRST ELECTION I GET TO VOTE FOR IS SUCH A CRAZY FIRST VOTING EXPERIENCE. Rae: " It feels like this whole election and presidential candidates is just a bad SNL skit" I could not agree more with that. Donald Trump is crazy and Hillary Clinton is a psycho! Bernie is good - but I do not think America can afford him . He is who I am voting for though. He is what I stand for. Being in a Poly Sci class right now is so helpful in educating me in the current up to date politics so that I am informed. 



Feelings for my family?

They are crazy. I love them to death but we are just on different paths right now- but that is okay. Someone once told me; " you may not be able to stand your family, and they drive you insane and you may not like them right now. but they are family and the only one you have. Love them unconditionally even with their flaws. As they do for you." I love my family and I am grateful for their love and goofiness. I was honored with a good family. Even the family I picked myself- my friends. I have such a wonderful community of Friends in my life. 



Current likes and dislikes?

Like: good, intellectual conversations that are deep and about life, cute coffee shops, walks thought the woods, kayaking, taking artsy pictures with my friends, laughing, getting high, traveling the world, and being spontaneous.

Dislikes: one-way street friends, society's influence on my body, over thinking, lazy coworkers, bad energy, and Donald Trump.  



Where I am in my life and where I hope to be in the future?
I am currently a college student, working at hagemiesters as a server, and working at starbucks as your local barista. 

Places I want to see?
I want to see everything and everywhere. On the top of my lit currently is Asia, specifically thailand- vietnam area, New Zealand, and Brazil! 



Habits I have formed?

Taking care of my body: eating healthy sustainable food, blogging, journaling, walking through bairds creek, smking cigs, reading a ton, cutting back on netflix, having conversations,and  trying to use less plastic. 


Habits I want to change?

smoking cigareets, being to hard on myself about my body, letting people walk all over me, and hanging on to toxic people and things. 


The type of person I want myself to become?


Where I want to live?
Right now my future plan would be to live in Portland, Oregon.


Overall: Life is weird and we are fortunate enough to be living in these human shells, having relationships, and experiences! We get to love, travel the world, feel too much, spend our days happy and smiling. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

I'm not entirely sure ?

I'm having one of those moments where I'm not entirely sure what I am feeling or thinking. It's everything at once and nothing at all. I have these moments often- they come and they go. It's usually triggered after a busy few days and then I finally relax and watch a movie that is emotion felt or listen to a certain song. Then my mind is flooded. I feel like I know nothing. I'm ok with it, and then I'm scared. I think about life and the people in mine. How everyone around me is living and moving and progressing. People all over the world are feeling so many different things. Passion, heartbreak, anxiety, depression, suidical thoughts, love for the first time. It's all so beautiful. 

I think of my life and how it's all been going on in a blink of an eye. Idon't want to move to quickly yet I want to sprint full speed ahead. Why is that? I have a desire to live and breath life with every ounce of growth, energy and feeling  i have. It's like I know my life has a limit, an expiration date. What does it all mean? Will tomrrow I be thinking the same thoughts?

So many thoughts race through my mind in one day even in one hour. Do I feel too much? Or not enough? One moment I visualize what it would be like to be held  in a new friends arms and kissed by them for the very first time, then my mind flashes to the time i saw my brother laugh until he cried all because we was satisfied with the little bit of love and joy he had in this life, next I see myself as an old woman, worn with life experience and at my end of my journey. I can never tell in these visualization if i am happy or sad.

Do I want too much? Am I expecting to see and do too much. Is that even possible? The sky's the limit, right? 

When I get in these almost sad moments where it is almost like I can see myself and the moments in my life  like a movie. Like I'm sprinting full speed down a cobble stone road- just a full on sprint with so many thoughts passing through my mind. Where am I running? I do not know.Where will life take me? I do not know. All I know is that as  i am running down that road- that is all there is. My and this road- with the wind in my hair and these moments of pure magic, such a human experience, I know that I am thankful for all I am able to feel. Maybe that is away to look at my sadness and confusion and over thinking. I have the honor to be so humbly human. To be able to feel too much and laugh too hard, to be able to hold the hand of a loved one, or see a stranger crack a smile. I have the honor of being. Being alive. 

Honesty

This post is something I think about a lot. Why live an unhonest life? Where does it get you? If your unhonest with yourself your just gonna find yourself in a viscous pattern. How are you suppose to move forward and live life if you can't be honest and forward about things?

Honesty with myself:

 sometimes it's just easier to tell little white lies to yourself to save your ego and feelings. In my life right now I am unhonest with myself about my weight. I keep saying, "oh your not that big, it's fine." Although this is in part true- everyone and everything is beautiful in its own way. We should not let society set unrealistic standards for us. BUT I know i WANT to lose weight and be healthier. So, lying to myself about what I eat and do is not going to get my anywhere. 

Another huge unhonest part of my life is in certain realationships. I find myself making excuses, never following through with what I say, or being able to get go of toxic people. I'm unhonest about how there actions hurt me and how my unhonest actions and thoughts about the situations affect me. My life is too short to be surrounded by people who I feel l need to "work" to be there friend. This is such a freeing epiphany. It is taking hard work but slowly I am discovering my worth. I am more then being a "back burner friend" or a friend that people can walk all over me and still expect me to be there. I am more then my weight. I am more hen society's standards and expectations. I CAN accomplish what I set my mind too. I CAN blossom. Slowly i am getting rid of those toxic people. I am getting my voice back. I am beautiful and alive. This is my life I want to laugh, grow, experience, and I want to do that with like minded people who appreciate me and this life we have. 

We tell ourselves stories to try to make sense of what we don't know or understand. I tell myself stories of how this time I know the friendship will be different, they will really change this time. That they are worth the toxicness. We tell ourselves these stories because we don't trust that we will do the right thing or make the right decision...

Don't tell yourself stories anymore. Tell yourself reality, and accept the groundlessness of not knowing he outcome of every situations or have control over others peoples actions and thoughts. 

I've had to have some honest conversations with myself and some friends. They were not easy, but they were needed. I recommend this to everyone. An example of this is my friend Lucas. We got coffee today, and instead of being my old self snd allowing things to just be and not bringing up how I was feeling , because I didn't want to "risk the friendship",  I expressed how he hurts me and how I am growing old of how our relationship is. I expressed that I deserve better that that. It was a hard talk and I know it was things he didn't want to hear. I could see on his face he was surprised...

Later that day he texted me and thanked me for my honesty that forced him to be honest with himself and how he treats people. 

I refuse to be stepped on. I want to shine and be surroundedbymy what I give out. Don't let your flame and energy me squashed by others actions or opinions of you. Being honest with yourself sheds light on your weakness that you need to fix, it allows a fresh mindset for a life of mindfulness and contentment. Not everyone or every situation in your life is going to be ideal, but how you react and handle it is what determines how things will be. 

Choose to be honest. 

Candid moments

 Grunge/indie photoshoot in the gloomy town of mount pillar, idaho. 

Savage AF tbh

I hope you find the happiness you've been pretending to have 

Life's fun when you're a loser

 

No parking 

 

"Enjoy being"

Let it all go 

Casually enjoying life 

I feel it all

Notice what you notice 

Dirty ghetto kid

I eat punks like you for breakfast 

I love you from my head tomatoes 

Lately I haven been surrounded my my favorite kind of people; likeminded people, kinderd spirits. I've been inspired to invest more time into my talents and in the good things is life. Life is beautiful and I don't want to miss a moment of it. 

Memories/nostalgia

"Happiness is not a goal...its a by-product of a well lived life" 

All that has  been on my mind lately is memories. I feel so nostaglic all the time, way more than usual- and I am not sure why. I've been thinking of time and life a lot, so maybe thats it. It is insane to me how fast life goes, how many memories we make, and how many people and experinences come and go in our life.

Time: People always told me as the older I got the faster time will go by- and man were they right. It feels just yesterday my siblings and I were building forts in my house, or that I was just going to my first high school dance, or going to my first class as a college campus. I know its important to live in the moment and not let the past and the future affect you to often, but lately I have been on memory lane. I think it is actually a good thing, how aware of time I am. It makes me appreciate the time I have with myself, my family, friends, on this Earth. It makes me want to use every moment well. I think that is a beautiful thing.

Memories:  As I was driving to Idaho for the secound time I find myself ultimately stuck in memory lane, almost to the point where it is pointing me into a funk. That road-trip that Rae and I took is one of a kind. The people we met, the places we saw, and the memories we made were incredible. Whether it is the sun on my face on the lake in Idaho, or the fourth of July show in Montana, or taking shrooms with Cameron in L.A, or going to the cemetaries in New orleans, or the breathtaking view of  Glacier National park, I am grateful  Grateful for that time and all the growth and love it brings me.

I find myself thinking a lot,  the kind where you feel stuck in your head. This is not a bad thing, I think it is helping me understand just how short and fragile life is. I am doing the kind of thinking that makes me want to make sure that I get everything I can out of this precious life and the people and the experiences I am fortunate enough to have. Life is a crazy rollarcoaster ride and I never plan on getting off.

Raeanna ✨

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow" 

I have to say I've never had a friendship like the one Raeanna and I have. 

We sing musicals, get mad at eachother for not cleaning a pot, we have everyone thinking we're lesbians, we travel the world together, we cuddle together, we take hilarious snap chats together, we randomly dance and sing on our beds, and we have the best times. 

Ive never been so comfortable around someone in my life. It's almost TOO comfortable. There are no boundaries- whether it's sex stories, walking around naked, going to the bathroom while the other showers, or farting when laying in each other's bed. 

I really hope other people have/get to experience this. To have someone to cry with, laugh with, to have someone to be on this crazy journey of life with you. Someone who loves you and will always be there. A best friend, a other half, a sister, and a protector. I don't know what I would do with out Raeanna. We are two peas in a pod, a dynamic duo, a power lesbian couple ( that's not actually lesbian) 

We fight but they are so comical we can never take them seriously. Our fights last a total of two minutes and we always end up laughing by the end by how crazy we are. We once had a fight over who was more of a beach or a city person. Like an ACTUAL fight over that. I told Rae and I quote "to get off her high horse" that I was a city person. 

I can't wait for all the love, journeys, adventures, fights, and drunken nights we have a head together. 

Shakey Graves 💀

" At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet

and a freight train running through the middle of my head

only you can cool my desire

ohh, ouhh I'm on fire" 

This blog post is dedicate to my all-time favorite artist: Shakey Graves 

I have been quite infatuated with this one-man band for a good amount of time now; he is inspiring. Anyone who knows me knows I'm obsessed with him. The amount of energy and effort he puts into his music warms my heart. He is from Austin Texas, and has my heart. I introduce him to EVERYONE, I am that crazy person who never shuts up about her " favorite artist". I cant help it, when I see just how dedicated, talented, and how much his music influences me- I want to share it with others

" Fuck getting by
Go quit your job-
and lets get drunk in a parking lot"

His music is a cross of blues, folk, and rock- and- roll.  As he begins  plucking ragged, sparse folk music punctuated by a makeshift kick-drum fashioned out of a suitcase and a bass drum heads and pedals, you cant help but to be entranced by him and his music.  He has this raspy, sexy voice, with perfect moans and fluctuations in his voice; along with a adorable grin and bright brown eyes.

" Come skin your knees with us, life's too short for a business lunch."

I had the opportunity to go to one of his shows in Chicago- and man am I glad I did. I was front row at this beautiful venue. It was a sold out show but not a huge crowd since he is a new artists. I was able to stare right into his soul and it was magical. He puts on a energetic and charismatic show. I hope to go to another show in the future and meet him. I would probably vomit and pee my pants simultaneously if i got the chance to meet him.

"you and i both know that the house is haunted
you and i both know
that the ghost is me"

I love all his songs but my top favorites of his work would be:

- Roll The Bones
-Dearly Departed
-Family and Genus
-I'm On fire
- Late July
- Hard Wire
-Unlucky Skin

" and its over and I'm going under,

but I'm not giving up-

I'm just giving in."

I have never had one artist have such an influence on me; usually I get sick of music fast but I can listen to Shakey graves stuff over and over again. It just speaks to me. I am so thankful for people/artist following there dreams and making such beautiful works of art for us all to enjoy- artist are willing to portray there world to us through their music. It is such a beautiful thing how music can evoke such an emotional response to us. We have memories associated with certain songs and lyrics, we dance with our friends to music, we have music that makes us cry, music that makes live in the moment. Such a versatile thing music is in how it touches and influences peoples lives

" Doesn't matter where we're headed, cause some of us were built to roam"

Thanks Shakey for the influence your music has.