The real Vicky C

I've had a lot on my mind lately, in so many different ways. I have been falling apart in so many ways. I was letting it all consume me and bring me to such a bad place.

At first I was so confused as to way I was feeling this way. I knew I missed my mates from Europe but I couldn't grasp why it was this bad. I was worried it was only going to get worse.

I realized that it was just a lesson. Sometimes we need to be broke so we can be put back together,  put back together as an even stronger individual. That is what I realized today, and it saved me.

I want the old Vicky C back. I want my sass, my happiness, my positive attitude. I want it all back.

... and its coming. I can feel it. I need to know that what I had in Europe can never be taken away from me, and the reason I am sad because it was so real in so many aspects. The people I met, the things I did, the things I learned about myself. I need to be thankful for such an experience. I don't want to turn that time into a bad experience because I am unable to cope. I need to look back on it and smile, and know I now have so many amazing friends for life.

I use to be the person who was so mentally aware, in a positive way. I could pull myself out of any funk, and take a life lesson out of it.

I don't want to be this negative, complaining, irrational girl anymore. Its not me. I'm Vicky C and I need to start acting like it again.

I am not looking at any of the good things that are happening to  me since I have been home, and that is not cool, and such a waste of my life. I need to get back to being in the moment.

I need to get back full force into my ways of seeing everything as half full.

I guess in a way I am thankful for this deep sadness I was/ am feeling. I never thought I would say that because it was been horrible. The anxiety, depression, horrible irrational thoughts that came with it were the worse. BUT it made me see why I like doing the things I do so much.

I like reading self help books, listening to motivating podcast, meditating, going for walks, and to weird events on being a happy soul.  It made me appreciate that kind of mindset so much more.

It is so easy to get mad at yourself for embracing your feelings. I am not going to do that, I'm tired of apologizing. I cant control that this was how I felt, but I can take away as much as I can from it. I can grow and blossom from it.

I think I have forgot that I am in control of my thoughts and happiness, and not other people, places and things are.

I feel like I got a little bit of me back today, which was exactly what I needed to spark my fire back in me.

and let me tell you, damn, it feels good to be back.