It's weird to me the feelings I can get trapped into. How my mind goes over and over them. Racing around in my head. A new one for me is love. Not a friendship love, a romantic love. I am pretty fucked in terms of good role models for what a healthy relationship is. Every relation in my family has been pretty shit. I have had a lot of lust in my life, going after asshole guys, thinking that that is all I will ever deserve. Then I met shawn. At first it was purely sexual. Just a good, easy consistent bang. We were both blocked off emotionally. Then something happened. I think it was because the timing with shawn would never work out but always worked out, if that makes sense?
I started rebanging Shawn right when I finally decided to go to therapy. Good timing. I started actually talking about my problems and realizing my potential and worth. I was different with him, even though I knew I was into him I was okay with just a simple casual relation because it felt good, it was natural. and the sex.
The sex I have with Shawn was my first sexual awakening. It was my first super consistent with one person sex. He was good to me. He was good with his dick. He took the time to make it feel good for both of us. He made me cum. I was obsessed with banging him, just always craving his cock. It was also really exciting for me to see how I was blossoming sexually. Seeing what I craved, what my boundaries were, what really got me wet and turned on. Shawn is by far the best dick and lover I have had thus far.
I could tell that I started to like Shawn. We finally started hanging out. Not just banging. We would get food together. Go out to drink, do drugs. He would come over to fuck me but then we would watch movies, listen to vinyl, talk, watch youtube videos. I started to realize that I was liking shawn, and for more than just sex. It was something that I was not use too. Sure I had thought I had been into the other guys before, but that was always just lust, the chase.
The two months before he headed on his road trip and I was going to be going to Australia we got super close. It was the closest thing I have ever had to a relationship. It was nice. hand holding, cuddling, regular sex, drunk adventures, brunches. It was even nicer because there was no label. We were just two people who liked each other mentally and sexually.
Now that Shawn is gone on his indefinite road trip, and I am leaving Australia and heading back to Green Bay. I still think about him. My heart actually cares for him. This is something I never thought I would be capable of. I love him. I love him as a friend, a person, and a lover.
It felt nice to have a nice guy, a beautiful soul inside and out finally see that I had something to offer. I had a spirit that could lift another up and make them feel good. That is exactly what Shawn and I did for each other.
Something tells me this is the beginning of adventures for me and Shawn. I think life will bring us back to each other. We are good together.
I don't even know why I wrote this blog post on this. I guess lately it has been so nice for me to put my thoughts into words. It also feels nice to think about.
