Honesty

This post is something I think about a lot. Why live an unhonest life? Where does it get you? If your unhonest with yourself your just gonna find yourself in a viscous pattern. How are you suppose to move forward and live life if you can't be honest and forward about things?

Honesty with myself:

 sometimes it's just easier to tell little white lies to yourself to save your ego and feelings. In my life right now I am unhonest with myself about my weight. I keep saying, "oh your not that big, it's fine." Although this is in part true- everyone and everything is beautiful in its own way. We should not let society set unrealistic standards for us. BUT I know i WANT to lose weight and be healthier. So, lying to myself about what I eat and do is not going to get my anywhere. 

Another huge unhonest part of my life is in certain realationships. I find myself making excuses, never following through with what I say, or being able to get go of toxic people. I'm unhonest about how there actions hurt me and how my unhonest actions and thoughts about the situations affect me. My life is too short to be surrounded by people who I feel l need to "work" to be there friend. This is such a freeing epiphany. It is taking hard work but slowly I am discovering my worth. I am more then being a "back burner friend" or a friend that people can walk all over me and still expect me to be there. I am more then my weight. I am more hen society's standards and expectations. I CAN accomplish what I set my mind too. I CAN blossom. Slowly i am getting rid of those toxic people. I am getting my voice back. I am beautiful and alive. This is my life I want to laugh, grow, experience, and I want to do that with like minded people who appreciate me and this life we have. 

We tell ourselves stories to try to make sense of what we don't know or understand. I tell myself stories of how this time I know the friendship will be different, they will really change this time. That they are worth the toxicness. We tell ourselves these stories because we don't trust that we will do the right thing or make the right decision...

Don't tell yourself stories anymore. Tell yourself reality, and accept the groundlessness of not knowing he outcome of every situations or have control over others peoples actions and thoughts. 

I've had to have some honest conversations with myself and some friends. They were not easy, but they were needed. I recommend this to everyone. An example of this is my friend Lucas. We got coffee today, and instead of being my old self snd allowing things to just be and not bringing up how I was feeling , because I didn't want to "risk the friendship",  I expressed how he hurts me and how I am growing old of how our relationship is. I expressed that I deserve better that that. It was a hard talk and I know it was things he didn't want to hear. I could see on his face he was surprised...

Later that day he texted me and thanked me for my honesty that forced him to be honest with himself and how he treats people. 

I refuse to be stepped on. I want to shine and be surroundedbymy what I give out. Don't let your flame and energy me squashed by others actions or opinions of you. Being honest with yourself sheds light on your weakness that you need to fix, it allows a fresh mindset for a life of mindfulness and contentment. Not everyone or every situation in your life is going to be ideal, but how you react and handle it is what determines how things will be. 

Choose to be honest. 

Candid moments

 Grunge/indie photoshoot in the gloomy town of mount pillar, idaho. 

Savage AF tbh

I hope you find the happiness you've been pretending to have 

Life's fun when you're a loser

 

No parking 

 

"Enjoy being"

Let it all go 

Casually enjoying life 

I feel it all

Notice what you notice 

Dirty ghetto kid

I eat punks like you for breakfast 

I love you from my head tomatoes 

Lately I haven been surrounded my my favorite kind of people; likeminded people, kinderd spirits. I've been inspired to invest more time into my talents and in the good things is life. Life is beautiful and I don't want to miss a moment of it. 

Memories/nostalgia

"Happiness is not a goal...its a by-product of a well lived life" 

All that has  been on my mind lately is memories. I feel so nostaglic all the time, way more than usual- and I am not sure why. I've been thinking of time and life a lot, so maybe thats it. It is insane to me how fast life goes, how many memories we make, and how many people and experinences come and go in our life.

Time: People always told me as the older I got the faster time will go by- and man were they right. It feels just yesterday my siblings and I were building forts in my house, or that I was just going to my first high school dance, or going to my first class as a college campus. I know its important to live in the moment and not let the past and the future affect you to often, but lately I have been on memory lane. I think it is actually a good thing, how aware of time I am. It makes me appreciate the time I have with myself, my family, friends, on this Earth. It makes me want to use every moment well. I think that is a beautiful thing.

Memories:  As I was driving to Idaho for the secound time I find myself ultimately stuck in memory lane, almost to the point where it is pointing me into a funk. That road-trip that Rae and I took is one of a kind. The people we met, the places we saw, and the memories we made were incredible. Whether it is the sun on my face on the lake in Idaho, or the fourth of July show in Montana, or taking shrooms with Cameron in L.A, or going to the cemetaries in New orleans, or the breathtaking view of  Glacier National park, I am grateful  Grateful for that time and all the growth and love it brings me.

I find myself thinking a lot,  the kind where you feel stuck in your head. This is not a bad thing, I think it is helping me understand just how short and fragile life is. I am doing the kind of thinking that makes me want to make sure that I get everything I can out of this precious life and the people and the experiences I am fortunate enough to have. Life is a crazy rollarcoaster ride and I never plan on getting off.

Raeanna ✨

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow" 

I have to say I've never had a friendship like the one Raeanna and I have. 

We sing musicals, get mad at eachother for not cleaning a pot, we have everyone thinking we're lesbians, we travel the world together, we cuddle together, we take hilarious snap chats together, we randomly dance and sing on our beds, and we have the best times. 

Ive never been so comfortable around someone in my life. It's almost TOO comfortable. There are no boundaries- whether it's sex stories, walking around naked, going to the bathroom while the other showers, or farting when laying in each other's bed. 

I really hope other people have/get to experience this. To have someone to cry with, laugh with, to have someone to be on this crazy journey of life with you. Someone who loves you and will always be there. A best friend, a other half, a sister, and a protector. I don't know what I would do with out Raeanna. We are two peas in a pod, a dynamic duo, a power lesbian couple ( that's not actually lesbian) 

We fight but they are so comical we can never take them seriously. Our fights last a total of two minutes and we always end up laughing by the end by how crazy we are. We once had a fight over who was more of a beach or a city person. Like an ACTUAL fight over that. I told Rae and I quote "to get off her high horse" that I was a city person. 

I can't wait for all the love, journeys, adventures, fights, and drunken nights we have a head together. 

Shakey Graves 💀

" At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet

and a freight train running through the middle of my head

only you can cool my desire

ohh, ouhh I'm on fire" 

This blog post is dedicate to my all-time favorite artist: Shakey Graves 

I have been quite infatuated with this one-man band for a good amount of time now; he is inspiring. Anyone who knows me knows I'm obsessed with him. The amount of energy and effort he puts into his music warms my heart. He is from Austin Texas, and has my heart. I introduce him to EVERYONE, I am that crazy person who never shuts up about her " favorite artist". I cant help it, when I see just how dedicated, talented, and how much his music influences me- I want to share it with others

" Fuck getting by
Go quit your job-
and lets get drunk in a parking lot"

His music is a cross of blues, folk, and rock- and- roll.  As he begins  plucking ragged, sparse folk music punctuated by a makeshift kick-drum fashioned out of a suitcase and a bass drum heads and pedals, you cant help but to be entranced by him and his music.  He has this raspy, sexy voice, with perfect moans and fluctuations in his voice; along with a adorable grin and bright brown eyes.

" Come skin your knees with us, life's too short for a business lunch."

I had the opportunity to go to one of his shows in Chicago- and man am I glad I did. I was front row at this beautiful venue. It was a sold out show but not a huge crowd since he is a new artists. I was able to stare right into his soul and it was magical. He puts on a energetic and charismatic show. I hope to go to another show in the future and meet him. I would probably vomit and pee my pants simultaneously if i got the chance to meet him.

"you and i both know that the house is haunted
you and i both know
that the ghost is me"

I love all his songs but my top favorites of his work would be:

- Roll The Bones
-Dearly Departed
-Family and Genus
-I'm On fire
- Late July
- Hard Wire
-Unlucky Skin

" and its over and I'm going under,

but I'm not giving up-

I'm just giving in."

I have never had one artist have such an influence on me; usually I get sick of music fast but I can listen to Shakey graves stuff over and over again. It just speaks to me. I am so thankful for people/artist following there dreams and making such beautiful works of art for us all to enjoy- artist are willing to portray there world to us through their music. It is such a beautiful thing how music can evoke such an emotional response to us. We have memories associated with certain songs and lyrics, we dance with our friends to music, we have music that makes us cry, music that makes live in the moment. Such a versatile thing music is in how it touches and influences peoples lives

" Doesn't matter where we're headed, cause some of us were built to roam"

Thanks Shakey for the influence your music has.