It's weird to me the feelings I can get trapped into. How my mind goes over and over them. Racing around in my head. A new one for me is love. Not a friendship love, a romantic love. I am pretty fucked in terms of good role models for what a healthy relationship is. Every relation in my family has been pretty shit. I have had a lot of lust in my life, going after asshole guys, thinking that that is all I will ever deserve. Then I met shawn. At first it was purely sexual. Just a good, easy consistent bang. We were both blocked off emotionally. Then something happened. I think it was because the timing with shawn would never work out but always worked out, if that makes sense?
I started rebanging Shawn right when I finally decided to go to therapy. Good timing. I started actually talking about my problems and realizing my potential and worth. I was different with him, even though I knew I was into him I was okay with just a simple casual relation because it felt good, it was natural. and the sex.
The sex I have with Shawn was my first sexual awakening. It was my first super consistent with one person sex. He was good to me. He was good with his dick. He took the time to make it feel good for both of us. He made me cum. I was obsessed with banging him, just always craving his cock. It was also really exciting for me to see how I was blossoming sexually. Seeing what I craved, what my boundaries were, what really got me wet and turned on. Shawn is by far the best dick and lover I have had thus far.
I could tell that I started to like Shawn. We finally started hanging out. Not just banging. We would get food together. Go out to drink, do drugs. He would come over to fuck me but then we would watch movies, listen to vinyl, talk, watch youtube videos. I started to realize that I was liking shawn, and for more than just sex. It was something that I was not use too. Sure I had thought I had been into the other guys before, but that was always just lust, the chase.
The two months before he headed on his road trip and I was going to be going to Australia we got super close. It was the closest thing I have ever had to a relationship. It was nice. hand holding, cuddling, regular sex, drunk adventures, brunches. It was even nicer because there was no label. We were just two people who liked each other mentally and sexually.
Now that Shawn is gone on his indefinite road trip, and I am leaving Australia and heading back to Green Bay. I still think about him. My heart actually cares for him. This is something I never thought I would be capable of. I love him. I love him as a friend, a person, and a lover.
It felt nice to have a nice guy, a beautiful soul inside and out finally see that I had something to offer. I had a spirit that could lift another up and make them feel good. That is exactly what Shawn and I did for each other.
Something tells me this is the beginning of adventures for me and Shawn. I think life will bring us back to each other. We are good together.
I don't even know why I wrote this blog post on this. I guess lately it has been so nice for me to put my thoughts into words. It also feels nice to think about.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Post Adolescent Idealistic Phase
I've always valued the way I looked at, and lived life. Kind of a mess, kind have my shit together. broke but will still travel. Tired, but stay up late to finish a good book, having self worth, but lower myself to poor treatment.
I have wonderful people and experiences in my life. People I can stay up late with and talk about how living seems to be the accident in life.
My thoughts can be racing, all over the place- and that is hard, but I can see the beauty in it.
I love that I can be so high, and pull over, or take time to write down a " beautiful thought" I thought I had.
Today was a day where I was sitting at home with Rae, and we are both reading this wonderful book for our bookclub that is right up our alley. If this book was person, it would surely be a best friend of mine.
The book is an autobiography by Lena Dunham. Explaining, in such a realistic, beautiful way of what it is like to be a woman, a woman in our generation, and a quirky woman at that. Hence why Rae and I relate to it so much.
I relate to her on many levels but specifically through her experiences with herself and men, and herself and life.
A quote that got me thinking,
- Lena Dunham
I. Deserve. Better.
After discussing this post Rae showed be this Yale, speech from this 22 year old. Who verbatim explains life how we see it and how we feel it. The title itself says it all,
" The Opposite of Loneliness"
Rae and I are overly conscious of life, time, and the meaning of it all, and making sure we get our full potential of it all.
Blessing and a curse- trust me.
The Author of the article wrote this as her time as a Yale student was coming to an end, and then she died 5 days later.
I always get mad at my dad, or people who do not get why I live life the way I do. Sure, it is not traditional, I make a lot of mistakes, and it can be a bit reckless.
I guess I am walking cliche in that I have the motto, " You could die Tomorrow" because the truth behind that is substancinal.
Some quotes from her article that clung on to my heart,
" It's not quite love and its not quite community; its just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When its four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can't remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats."
" But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. Theyre part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or did not live in New York. I plan on having parties when im 20. I plan on having fun when Im old.Any notion of THE BEST years to come from cliched " should haves..." "if i'd..." " wish I'd..."
" What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post0bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that its tool ate to do anything is comical. Its hilarious. We're graduating college. We're so young. We cant , we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, its all that we have."
Just some food for thought, and I reminder to me of why I live my life the way I do when my parents question it, and even when I question it.
I have wonderful people and experiences in my life. People I can stay up late with and talk about how living seems to be the accident in life.
My thoughts can be racing, all over the place- and that is hard, but I can see the beauty in it.
I love that I can be so high, and pull over, or take time to write down a " beautiful thought" I thought I had.
Today was a day where I was sitting at home with Rae, and we are both reading this wonderful book for our bookclub that is right up our alley. If this book was person, it would surely be a best friend of mine.
The book is an autobiography by Lena Dunham. Explaining, in such a realistic, beautiful way of what it is like to be a woman, a woman in our generation, and a quirky woman at that. Hence why Rae and I relate to it so much.
I relate to her on many levels but specifically through her experiences with herself and men, and herself and life.
A quote that got me thinking,
"I thought that I was smart enough, practical enough, to separate what men said I was from what I knew I was. They way I saw it, I was fully capable of being treated with indifference that bordered on distain while maintaining a strong sense of self-respect. I obeyed his commands, sure that I could fulfill this role while still protecting the sacred place inside of me that knew I deserved more. Better. Different.
- BEST PART_
But that isn't how it works. When someone shows you how little you mean to them and you keep coming back for more, before you know it you start to mean less to yourself. You are are not made up of compartments! You are one whole person! What gets said to you gets said to ALL OF YOU. Being treated like shit is not an amusing game or a transgressive intellectual experiment. It is something you accept, condone, and learn to believe you deserve. This is so simple. But I tried so hard to make it complicated."
I. Deserve. Better.
After discussing this post Rae showed be this Yale, speech from this 22 year old. Who verbatim explains life how we see it and how we feel it. The title itself says it all,
" The Opposite of Loneliness"
Rae and I are overly conscious of life, time, and the meaning of it all, and making sure we get our full potential of it all.
Blessing and a curse- trust me.
The Author of the article wrote this as her time as a Yale student was coming to an end, and then she died 5 days later.
I always get mad at my dad, or people who do not get why I live life the way I do. Sure, it is not traditional, I make a lot of mistakes, and it can be a bit reckless.
I guess I am walking cliche in that I have the motto, " You could die Tomorrow" because the truth behind that is substancinal.
Some quotes from her article that clung on to my heart,
" It's not quite love and its not quite community; its just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When its four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can't remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats."
" But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. Theyre part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or did not live in New York. I plan on having parties when im 20. I plan on having fun when Im old.Any notion of THE BEST years to come from cliched " should haves..." "if i'd..." " wish I'd..."
" What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post0bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that its tool ate to do anything is comical. Its hilarious. We're graduating college. We're so young. We cant , we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, its all that we have."
Just some food for thought, and I reminder to me of why I live my life the way I do when my parents question it, and even when I question it.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
I've been bad at posting on the blog this summer post
I have literally sucked ass at posting this summer- but hey I was busy being in the moment.
A lot of fun things happened that I didn't post about- so I thought I would use this post to just post a bunch of random photos of times I had that I will want to look back on later.
A lot of fun things happened that I didn't post about- so I thought I would use this post to just post a bunch of random photos of times I had that I will want to look back on later.
being a lesbian is okay
Rae and I headed to Minneapolis for a weekend to visit the imphamist Gina Katers, Rae's cool older cousin.
Rae has always looked up to Gina, and so have I in the short time I have known her. We only have had a few hangouts with Gina, and they are usually short lived- so we were a bit nervous about a 4 day weekend with her.
We had no reason to worry it was one of the funniest weekends!
We started our first day there with beers at her apartment- getting reacquainted.
Gina took us out for Indian at this cute outdoor restaurant and we talked about how nice it is not to be in Green Bay. Saying Gina hates green bay is an understatement.
Later that night we went to a gay club, called lush. It was the best gay club that I have ever been too. We basically were served cups full of just vodka, and we got to see a burlesque show with drags, and beautiful woman!
We had a hilarious car ride home, Rae told the driver to drop us off because we were at the house- and we were not. We spent a good 10 minutes running up and down the SAME street to dine Gina's place... and she lives there. She blamed it on being a new place.
We had our notorious topless Thursday with Gina- where we drank more.
I ended up hooking up with Gina... oops!
Rae had to army crawl out of the room- needless to say we have a lot of inside jokes. LEMON!
The next day Gina woke us up at the crack ass of dawn! We drank more, LITERALLY dragged ourselves to beach where I embarrassed myself as per usual.
Then we ended up going to Gina's best friends house to hangout and have a few drinks. Her friends are so excepting and super inspiring to just be yourself!
We went out that night for Rae's 22nd birthday! It was just as drunk as the first! Gina even kissed a BOY for 15 seconds haha
We were hot messes but it was so fun!
This night we kept taking breaks in the grass on our walk home because being drunk and beautiful is exhausting.
Topless Thursday take two happened and no more kissing happened at all! ;)
Also would like to add that Gina's cat, Tiny, is the best fucking cat in the whole world, and I am going to marry her.
The next day we spent the day walking around, got an awesome brunch, and bloody's, drank the whole day, laughed, and we even played arcade games and giant jinga with some strangers!
It was another beautiful day
We watched Beaches because Bette Miller, Duh. Then we proceeded to listen to her soundtrack from the movie that Gina had on vinyl ( what a nerd), then Gina had to go to her friends house for their party of the Game of Thrones premiere ( this is only making her even nerdier)
So Rae and I got some yummy Thai food, and watched the sunset on one of Minneapolis rooftop bars.
This was such a rejuvenating trip, I cannot explain how many jokes, laughs, hugs, and kisses were shared, I will always treasure this trip. We had such a good time, Rae and I are even considering moving there if we cannot afford Portland in June!
Also side note:
When Rae and I left on Monday, we were eating, and I was trying to text Gina and say " butt massage round 2" but since my phone was mega fucked up it sent it to MY BOSS!!! I died! My dumbass tried to fix it by sending " Oh sorry that was for my roommates lesbian cousin teehee" needless to say I got made fun of at work
Love you Gina and Tiny!
We even won over Gina and she is going to come visit us in GREEN BAY- That is how much she loves us!
We had no reason to worry it was one of the funniest weekends!
We started our first day there with beers at her apartment- getting reacquainted.
Gina took us out for Indian at this cute outdoor restaurant and we talked about how nice it is not to be in Green Bay. Saying Gina hates green bay is an understatement.
Later that night we went to a gay club, called lush. It was the best gay club that I have ever been too. We basically were served cups full of just vodka, and we got to see a burlesque show with drags, and beautiful woman!
We had a hilarious car ride home, Rae told the driver to drop us off because we were at the house- and we were not. We spent a good 10 minutes running up and down the SAME street to dine Gina's place... and she lives there. She blamed it on being a new place.
We had our notorious topless Thursday with Gina- where we drank more.
I ended up hooking up with Gina... oops!
Rae had to army crawl out of the room- needless to say we have a lot of inside jokes. LEMON!
The next day Gina woke us up at the crack ass of dawn! We drank more, LITERALLY dragged ourselves to beach where I embarrassed myself as per usual.
Then we ended up going to Gina's best friends house to hangout and have a few drinks. Her friends are so excepting and super inspiring to just be yourself!
We went out that night for Rae's 22nd birthday! It was just as drunk as the first! Gina even kissed a BOY for 15 seconds haha
We were hot messes but it was so fun!
This night we kept taking breaks in the grass on our walk home because being drunk and beautiful is exhausting.
Topless Thursday take two happened and no more kissing happened at all! ;)
Also would like to add that Gina's cat, Tiny, is the best fucking cat in the whole world, and I am going to marry her.
The next day we spent the day walking around, got an awesome brunch, and bloody's, drank the whole day, laughed, and we even played arcade games and giant jinga with some strangers!
It was another beautiful day
We watched Beaches because Bette Miller, Duh. Then we proceeded to listen to her soundtrack from the movie that Gina had on vinyl ( what a nerd), then Gina had to go to her friends house for their party of the Game of Thrones premiere ( this is only making her even nerdier)
So Rae and I got some yummy Thai food, and watched the sunset on one of Minneapolis rooftop bars.
This was such a rejuvenating trip, I cannot explain how many jokes, laughs, hugs, and kisses were shared, I will always treasure this trip. We had such a good time, Rae and I are even considering moving there if we cannot afford Portland in June!
Also side note:
When Rae and I left on Monday, we were eating, and I was trying to text Gina and say " butt massage round 2" but since my phone was mega fucked up it sent it to MY BOSS!!! I died! My dumbass tried to fix it by sending " Oh sorry that was for my roommates lesbian cousin teehee" needless to say I got made fun of at work
Love you Gina and Tiny!
We even won over Gina and she is going to come visit us in GREEN BAY- That is how much she loves us!
Saturday, July 22, 2017
July babies
My friend group has an obnoxious amount of birthday's. I was to share some of the best memories of these days.
Rae's birthday I will cover in a different post
This post is about my babies Lesley and Ryan. There birthdays turned out to be quite the celebration and what felt like 2 weeks of partying
First off Ry Ry's birthday: The oldie turned 33! We love our older friends.
Well to start off the they came to see me at work, after my shift I slammed shots with my mates hanna and Augie, we then proceeded to head back to Lesley and Ryan's house.
There were about 15 people there, we took molly, and the boys played the instruments for us, we all sang, and loved each other
Lesley made us girls go up to her closet to have " girl time" what we thought was going to be empowering talks turned into us all trying on all of Lesley's clothes and getting all dressed up
It was such a powerful night one where you feel super connected and happy with all of your friends. I live for these moments
there was something really special about this summer and the birthdays
Everyone was just always done for a good time
after we all got done loving the fuck out of each other we were all topless around the house passing out and playing the music
It was a good night
Lesleys birthday:
round 2 came before we knew it, , my lesley doll turned 29!
She started the night of her birthday with the first drinking fox peddlar ride! It was so cool! They came to seem me at White dog and it was only 4 pm and they were wasted, I knew when I saw them later that night it was going to be interesting.
I got to their house later and everyone was on a level it was hilarious. All these oldies who supposedly have their life together were fucked up
We spent the night dancing and laughing and drinking EVERYTHING in site
We ended up going to bed at 5 am but we started out morning of Lesley's birthday with Mimosas ( as one should) we then went to Lesley's mom pool, and the drunken mess of a day started. It was a hilarious day
Joey and I went on a adventure to get batteries and did everything besides get the right amount of batteries, we purchased more alcohol, and truck food, we were living the dream.
We shaved the egg rolls in out mouth before going back to the pool because we didn't want to share lol
After the pool we went to our friend Rachel's house and she made us SO MANY grasshoppers
we were all blackout at this point, Rae came over and she passed her NCLEX!! yay! So we had even more cause for celebration
we spent the rest oft he night exposing ourselves to each other as per usual, lots of kisses, lots more alcohol and to end the night we went to badger state- we were way drunk. I scared lots of dogs and men and Ryan threw my own beer on me- it was a good night.
I am so damn lucky to have the woman in my life that I do.
Rae's birthday I will cover in a different post
This post is about my babies Lesley and Ryan. There birthdays turned out to be quite the celebration and what felt like 2 weeks of partying
First off Ry Ry's birthday: The oldie turned 33! We love our older friends.
Well to start off the they came to see me at work, after my shift I slammed shots with my mates hanna and Augie, we then proceeded to head back to Lesley and Ryan's house.
There were about 15 people there, we took molly, and the boys played the instruments for us, we all sang, and loved each other
Lesley made us girls go up to her closet to have " girl time" what we thought was going to be empowering talks turned into us all trying on all of Lesley's clothes and getting all dressed up
It was such a powerful night one where you feel super connected and happy with all of your friends. I live for these moments
there was something really special about this summer and the birthdays
Everyone was just always done for a good time
after we all got done loving the fuck out of each other we were all topless around the house passing out and playing the music
It was a good night
Lesleys birthday:
round 2 came before we knew it, , my lesley doll turned 29!
She started the night of her birthday with the first drinking fox peddlar ride! It was so cool! They came to seem me at White dog and it was only 4 pm and they were wasted, I knew when I saw them later that night it was going to be interesting.
I got to their house later and everyone was on a level it was hilarious. All these oldies who supposedly have their life together were fucked up
We spent the night dancing and laughing and drinking EVERYTHING in site
We ended up going to bed at 5 am but we started out morning of Lesley's birthday with Mimosas ( as one should) we then went to Lesley's mom pool, and the drunken mess of a day started. It was a hilarious day
Joey and I went on a adventure to get batteries and did everything besides get the right amount of batteries, we purchased more alcohol, and truck food, we were living the dream.
We shaved the egg rolls in out mouth before going back to the pool because we didn't want to share lol
After the pool we went to our friend Rachel's house and she made us SO MANY grasshoppers
we were all blackout at this point, Rae came over and she passed her NCLEX!! yay! So we had even more cause for celebration
we spent the rest oft he night exposing ourselves to each other as per usual, lots of kisses, lots more alcohol and to end the night we went to badger state- we were way drunk. I scared lots of dogs and men and Ryan threw my own beer on me- it was a good night.
I am so damn lucky to have the woman in my life that I do.
EWWW 22!
My 22nd birthday, uh wut?
I know all the oldies hate hearing a 22 year old say that she feels old- but I do.
Time is such a crazy concept to me; it just goes by so fast.
I think Rae and I and all of our friends do a good job of enjoying all the moments that we have
My 22nd birthday was much like my 21st, but I would say almost better.
We were all 21 or older and it was all my favorite people together for a night
It was one of those days that just worked out so well
Rae, Whitney and I spent the day at the beach. It was so relaxing, laying in the sun enjoying beers, and two of my best friends
Then later that night I decided to have a girls dinner with 15 of my best girls
It was lots of laugher, sex talk, and margarita drinking
We then proceeded to bar hop, each bar we were at we were drunker then the next
It was a hilarious night
Everyone was on a level, no one was holding back
The girls got an obnxious amount of honks on our walks to and from bars- guys are unbelieveable sometimes.
We met up with two of m best guy friends- Ryan and Joey.
A nice fun night turned into WAY TO MANY shots, everyone literally making out with everyone, toppless thursday ( duh) and lots of memories to look back on
The next the WHOLE group felt like death and we were sure that we were drugged.
It really was a good birthday. I am lucky for the people in my life.
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